May 23, 2009

Don't forget the Mike Tyson cameo

Personally, I think the most hilarious part of this new quirky comedy will be the scene with the guy who went to jail for beating and raping a woman.

Total first date movie, am I right people?

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:41 AM

May 21, 2009

They're calling you stupid

This is the most infuriating part of this nonsensical "we can't send Gitmo prisoners to American jails" argument- and by that I mean I would literally be screaming in rage at any Congressperson who tried to say to my face what they've been babbling about on talk shows and the floor of the Senate.

It is not just the already-infuriating issue of the inhumanity of Guantanamo in itself. It is not just the blind, pathetic, moral ambivalence the American majority has already taken toward the simple fact that none of the men held in Guantanamo right now have even been charged and convicted of specific crimes despite being held there for over seven years. And amazingly, it is not even the concept that the previous fact creates the very strong liklihood that of the remaining 240 detainees in Guantanamo, at least some of them may very likely not even be guilty of crimes they have not actually been tried for in those seven years.

No, it is the fact that, with the exception of a handful of Senators and the President himself, nearly the entire elected representation of the United States government looked into a camera yesterday and decided that you, me, us- the American people- are so fucking stupid that they can argue that America- the country with the largest, most expensive, and most secure prison system in the modern world- cannot hold these men, and as such, the only thing preventing 240 suspected terrorists- who are of course all actual terrorists bloodthirsty for revenge- from running free and wild on the streets of American cities murdering people- is some razor wire in Cuba.

When they say there is a risk of "terrorists running free in America," what they are saying is that you are stupid. You are so fucking stupid that you might actually believe that will happen. You are so fucking stupid that you'll actually accept the idea that suspected terrorists will somehow, in some way that has yet to actually be described in any detail, might begin roaming free in your neighborhood like an unregistered repeat-offender pedophile unless they are held without trial indefinitely.

You know, after seven years of this shit, I really wish there was something out there that made me disagree with them.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 8:25 AM

That's right, I went there.

An open response to Matt Bors.

And I'd do it again if I had to, Matt.

That is all.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 8:12 AM

May 19, 2009

In defense of LOLcats

Not to start a flamewar of epic lulz, but I must tearfully cleave a rift in CWA by disagreeing vehemently with Jen on the greatness of LOLcats. I base this, primarily, on the fact that I think kitties are awesome, and celebrations of both their greatness and stupidity stretch back generations. The first known instance of a LOLcat has actually been traced to 1905.

And let us not, of course, forget the majesty of the viral video cat memes, including but not limited to ninja cat, Roomba cat, and keyboard cat. Rather than sigh at the dumbing down of our entertainment culture, I instead submit that if you truly do not find these amusing, then you in fact have no soul. For god sakes, our first political cartoonist was Benjamin Franklin, and even he enjoyed a good honest stupid fart joke every now and then.

Finally, as Matt Bors proves repeatedly in a manner that is trumped by no one, there is a far greater threat facing the livlihood of cartoonists than shitty internet memes. That, of course, is shitty cartoonists. I hope Jen feels as honored as I do that while people may buy many copies of the LOLcat books, they will likely be thrown in a Christmas stocking or forgotten in a public toilet whereas One Nation Oh My God, available at fine bookstores everywhere, will be kept on bookshelves and treasured for generations to come. Until our homes are repossessed because no one wants to give cartoonists money.

I feel as though Jen's irritation may not as much be the instance itself of the LOLcat, but rather the frequency. But like political cartoonists themselves, the saturation of crappines only makes true gems shine even brighter.

Also, I draw cartoon cats and quite often people pay me for them. I suppose there's a conflict of interest there. Whatevs.

Update: as a potential peace offering and/or compromise, I offer the web game Meowcenaries, where you can have adorable little LOLcats run around and splatter the brains of other adorable little LOLcats all over various landscapes.

Update: And seriously, I just can't weep for humanity over LOLcats. There are far too many reality shows that take up my time available for that.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:08 PM

Also, people should just hug each other. I'm sure they'll all get right on that

Oh, goody. Another strongly-worded letter. That'll fix this.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 8:26 AM

May 18, 2009


Latest comic - click here!

Ahh, Bill Donohue, president of Catholics Who Really Want Attention.

Okay, number one: every non-documentary movie made in America for, oh, let's say the last seventy years or so has a disclaimer in the credits about the movie being fictional. It's that paragraph that comes right before the little globe-looking thing that you see because you're waiting to see if there's an easter egg with Samuel L. Jackson in it. It's not as much that Donohue doesn't know this and is therefore very stupid (he is), it's that he clearly wouldn't care even if he did because that's not the point. He's just trying to be dramatic about his whiny little plea for attention.

But of course, this week's installment is about the more ironic aspect of Donohue's idiocy- that he's a proud advocate of ordering people to do what he says based on his distorted perceptions of the most popular work of fiction ever published. And that's not an attack on religion in general- there's a respectable and understandable Grand Canyon-sized distance between believing there's a God and that Jesus was his son and refusing to believe evidence that the earth is in fact not only a few thousand years old and that's why women shouldn't be allowed to have abortions.

In other words, I think people taking stories from the Bible literally has been slightly more problematic than your occasional friend who started repeating the bullshit about The Last Supper that Dan Brown spun together.

Buy some crap and join the mailing list.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:07 AM