November 10, 2007

Bill Clinton is Emperor Palpatine

We're now entering year fourteen of his secret master plan to destroy The Republic from within.

The only other possibility is that Giuliani is an incompetent liar and Bush may actually do bad things, but that's just crazy talk.

Later: who Hillary is trying to have killed this week.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 5:16 PM

November 9, 2007

Continuing the lack of suspense

I love that they finally made an Oscar for Best Animated Feature, but when the contest is so predictable every time, it gets really underwhelming. Variety reports that 12 films are eligible the the Best Animated Feature Oscar next year. ToonZone has the full list, so let's put it this way: not only can you predict the winner six months in advance, you can probably predict the nominees. Which I will do right now.

Because you need at least 16 films in the running for five nominees, Best Animated Feature will only yield three nominees for 2008. Ratatouille is essentially a lock for slot one; every Pixar film made in the last six years was nominated. Of the remaining eleven, the only ones with a chance of being nominated are, in order of liklihood: Persepolis, The Simpsons Movie, Beowulf, Shrek the Third, and Bee Movie. Beowulf is likely going to garner nominations in every technical and sound field, making this an unnecessary award to credit it. Persepolis is a critical favorite, and the only animated film that recieves critical reviews of its quality as a film the way Pixar's films do. Both previous Shrek films were nominated, but even Dreamworks knows the first one (which won) was superior to its sequels. And even Bee Movie is shadowed by the marketing and name recognition campaign of The Simpsons Movie. The Academy is good at getting one "art house" film (translated: it was made in a different country) in this field every year, so slot two goes to Persepolis, even though it won't win against an admittedly impressive field of quality American blockbusters this time around. So that just leaves the question of what logic will be employed to pick the award for this category.

The answer, of course, is that everyone really likes The Simpsons, and they like filling in the bubble sheets for titles they've heard of. The nominees for 2008 will be Ratatouille, Persepolis, and The Simpsons Movie, which will win. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters, however, is the only one I plan on buying on DVD for repeat viewing.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:55 PM

Political capital

The final graf of Karl Rove's op-ed in today's Wall Street Journal lamenting the last year of Democratic control of Congress:

The Democratic victory in 2006 was narrow. They won the House by 85,961 votes out of over 80 million cast and the Senate by a mere 3,562 out of over 62 million cast. A party that wins control by that narrow margin can quickly see its fortunes reversed when it fails to act responsibly, fails to fulfill its promises, and fails to lead.

Says the man who stole a presidency, got Bush re-elected by the smallest margin in American history, and then helped run a White House that destroyed every standing this country had in the world.

Hell really needs to get to work on a tenth circle one of these days.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 5:20 PM

November 8, 2007

Junk in the Toaster: Now On Sale!


Junk in the Toaster!

Junk in the Toaster (and Other Brilliant Ideas from Some Guy with a Website) is now available for purchase, along with other books and goodies on the merch page!

Junk in the Toaster can be purchased two ways: direct through Lulu, for cheaper, faster processing and shipping time; or, for a little more cost and a little more time, you can have a signed copy of the book mailed out to you.

For holiday gift purposes, please note a signed copy can take up to three weeks to arrive (sorry, such is the nature of doing this by myself) so please, if you want a copy before Dec. 4, please order immediately. (Ordering through Lulu offers faster shipping time). Orders for signed copies of Junk in the Toaster can be made until December 5 for guaranteed pre-Christmas delivery.

So yes, with much excitement I can finally say once again: buy some crap.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:10 AM

Please keep these people away from children

I was reading the paper this morning and there was an ad for Bee Movie, promoting it as "The #1 Family Movie in America!" Which, of course, was a clever way for them to spin the fact that it opened at #2 behind American Gangster.

This ad would apparently be outrageously wrong to the completely batshit insane Jill Stanek, who believes that Mr. Brooks and The Godfather, Pt. II are ringing endorsements of family values because, and I am not making this up, in the former, the lead character (who is a serial killer, for the record) wants to raise a child in lieu of the mother terminating her pregnancy, and in the latter, Michael slaps his wife when she tells him she had an abortion. The thread goes on to discuss how it's perfectly reasonable that being told you aborted a pregnancy should merit criminal assault against someone.

This really does strengthen my rapidly-developing theory that the amount of time right-wing pundits devote to talking about children correllates specifically to the number of feet they should be kept from children at all times.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:03 AM

The word you are looking for is "lying"

Life imitates Matt Bors.

"His claim rests on a faulty statistical methodology that would not earn a passing grade at top medical schools?" Oh, okay. But as long as he's not lying.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 6:14 AM

November 7, 2007

From the groundbreaking medical journal "Duh"

Abstinence-only education continues to not work. I know, I'm sure this is as surprising to you as it is to all of us.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:03 AM

November 6, 2007

Also, you kids get off my lawn

With no malice meant toward any of the great blogs I read every day, there is quite possibly nothing on the internet I could give less of a shit about then the Weblog Awards. They're a bunch of pointless, arbitary annual exercises in who can get the most traffic to click a link as many times as possible. If that's the arbiter of quality on the internet I remain ecstatic I am not involved with them in any way. I have no intention to vote in them, could care less who wins, feel sorry for anyone who actually celebrates "winning" one as if it's an actual accomplishment, and continue to hope that none of my readers ever thinks I would consider it some kind of honor to be nominated for one. That several progressive blogs actually consider casting legitimacy on this project founded by some conservative bloggers by endorsing it both amazes and saddens me. The blogs I enjoy reading only anger me by wasting time writing posts about how great it would be if everyone voted for them in this aforementioned celebration of digital pointlessness that could otherwise be devoted to producing the actual quality content that brings readers to their sites. This concludes the only thing I will ever say on this site ever about the Weblog Awards, with the possible exception of when I say this exact same thing next year.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:13 PM

November 5, 2007

"Unidentified Faith Objects"

Latest comic - click here!

I may be confused here, but I could have sworn almost every single candidate for president in the history of the United States of America, as well as every president elected, claimed to have had encounters with a supernatural force that lives in the sky. Kucinich is just arguing semantics here if you think about it. I'm not really trying to mock Christianity here, but honestly, presidential politics, especially after this last guy, isn't exactly the best venue to talk rational belief concepts. Next week: my damnation.

Work is feverishly coming to a head on getting the book store back up... I am confident that you'll be able to order copies this week. Thanks a bunch to all of you who wrote in with your de facto "pre orders" of good faith- it helped getting a bulk order ready to have waiting to sign and start shipping out to all of you.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:04 AM