October 27, 2006

Lance Armstrong never had cancer

Heard Al Franken just talking about this now. Makes perfect sense. I mean, people with cancer are all weak and bald from their chemo. It's obvious that Armstrong wasn't actually undergoing cancer therapy when he won all those Tour de France races.

And I agree with Franken- it's absolutely shameful that the GOP would let Armstrong do Republican fundraisers and exploit him like that. Kudos to Al Franken for have the courage to actually say what other people have been thinking.

I am, of course, lying. I completely made all of that up. But I don't really see the problem since obviously Republicans wouldn't have any reason to be outraged by any of it.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:40 AM

October 26, 2006

Strike three, or four. I forget at this point

Jesus tap-dancing Christ, can we just openly acknowledge that Bob Corker and the Tennessee Republican Party are just a bunch of disgusting racists?

It's vomit-inducing that they're going to win the election because of this. So, fine. Bob Corker's going to win the election. Just fucking admit that he's going to win because he's a racist and he's appealing to racists in Tennessee to vote for the guy who isn't the scary, scary negro.

Mother shit Christ. Fuck.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:00 PM

Closing time

As I've said every two years, Election Night is basically the Super Bowl for me, in that I become completely absorbed in as much multimedia (and snacks) as possible while following a constantly updating score.

It'll be interesting to follow the entire evening this time around, though, since if the poll closing times are the same as they were in '04, and barring and polls being ordered open longer for various reasons, we'll likely have the Senate decided in the first two hours.

Based on 2004 (and 2005, actually), Virginia will be the first, closing at 7:00 EST. If Webb wins, you might as well call it there, since I can't imagine any demographic outcome where the Dems take Virginia but not at least one of Missouri or Tennessee.

Ohio closes at 7:30. The only other closings are West Virginia and North Carolina, which are irrelevant, which means that half-hour is going to be devoted almost entirely to Ohio. Again, a must-win for Democrats if they want the Senate.

8:00 PM is the magic hour. New Jersey, Maryland, Pennsylvania and Tennessee (and Connecticut, but it's safe Dem unless you're crazy) close at 8:00 EST. I think Tennessee and Pennsylvania will take some time to count given the latest polls, but again, if either NJ or MD go red then you can call Mitch McConnell the next Majority Leader right then and there.

Rhode Island closes at 8:30, and along with New York closes out the East coast. If Webb, Ford, and/or McCaskill have already won at this point, suggesting Chaffee could win is ludicrous.

So by 8:30 EST, all the key Senate races, save Montana, are going to be decided, give or take the counting time. There are obviously factors like close call counting times and fraud allegations keeping polls open longer, but generally the momentum is going to be visible in the first few hours.

So at least for now, I have no idea who's going to win Congress or not, but the only prediction I'll make at the moment is we're going to find out a lot quicker than many are suggesting.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:14 PM

October 25, 2006

Cough, cough

Just a reminder before Tony Snow says something he'll regret:

I don't think we should deny people rights to a civil union, a legal arrangement, if that's what a state chooses to do so.

President George W. Bush, October 26, 2004

The NJ Supreme Court just ruled in favor of George Bush's position on civil unions. What was that you were all saying about this screwing the Democrats again?

Posted by August J. Pollak at 4:10 PM

Sky not falling over rainbow banners

I happily agree with Greg that the believed shitstorm about the imminent ruling to legalize gay marriage in New Jersey is being a bit overhyped in terms of how it will affect the elections.

Obviously, ground zero for this is going to be the New Jersey senate race, but speaking as someone who worked in New Jersey politics just shortly after the civil unions bill was signed in Jersey, it's not going to be much of an issue as people outside the Garden State think. Hard-core righties in Jersey are much more focused on home schooling and gun rights, and to a lesser degree immigration.

As for outside New Jersey, I don't think the right wing realizes, to use an inappropriately vulgar euphamism, just how much of their wad they already blew on this in 2004. The ballot initiative issue already happened two years ago; it's not like they can suddenly put it up for a vote again. In other words, in most states yeah, people might be outraged about the oncoming "gay onslaught," but what are they going to do about it? There's nothing in particular to vote for, save for the local Republican candidate... who represents the party that quite clearly failed to stop the ever-devestating gay agenda from spreading into New Jersey.

There's only so many times the GOP can try to run on homo-hating, and given all the other problem they're facing right now, that this is going to shift the election in two weeks is a reach at best. That said, don't think they're not going to try, so expect some really awful rhetoric starting in about an hour or so.

Update: And the ruling's out. And I think it's safe to say any Democrat's electoral fears should be put to rest. The Court specifically says that there's no constitutional right to be "married," and that the legislative process should simply allow the option of either establishing marriage without gender or creating a (yeah, ugh, but still) separate but equal terminology.

In other words, the biggest gnashing of keyboards the pundits could make would be "judicial tyranny" and the Court shattered that by simply A. confirming a law that had already been passed through the Democratic legislative process, and B. mandating that the same process regulates it. All the while, gay couples are finally awarded equal rights in the great state of New Jersey. Game, Set, Match. Sorry, bigots. You lose today.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:00 AM

October 24, 2006

The creepiest book club meeting ever

I had mentioned earlier I would provide an explanation for the strangest photograph to ever appear on this site, ever. Campus Progress intern Jospeh Peha provides the background, and some great quotes.

One other word about the story: if you look close enough, you'll note that, yes, Pat Buchanan had his table where he signed books and mingled with various members of the Minutemen Project located in the middle of the children's section.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 5:41 PM

Monsters in the medical office

Your friendly neighborhood right-wingers have decided, in what I'm sure will suprise you not one bit, that Michael J. Fox is "faking it" in his pro-stem cell research ads for Democratic candidates.

I anxiously await Bill Frist to diagnose Fox after watching a copy of the ads, because as we know the right wing has a fantastic record of being even-handed about people's medical conditions regardless of their political implications.

Monsters. All of them.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:30 PM

Tastes like poo


I've been trying to Not Talk About the Presidential Primaries until at least two weeks from now, but I'm getting sucked in.

FWIW, if Obama's running he's really running for Vice President. Far from blunting the Hillary machine, he'll reinforce it.

Clinton/Obama '08 baby. Taste it.

I'd rather not. But that said, I think it's almost inevitable that people are going to discuss this matchup because it would be the most- and you can decide if this adjective is positive or negative- amazing ticket in the history of presidential politics. I sincerely doubt it would happen, but it's going to be as talked about as the absurd Kerry/McCain ticket half the media frothed about for much of the 2004 race.

To actually address the possible ticket, though, as many other have noted, I think Hillary and Obama joining as a presidential ticket would actually cause them to create a plasmatic ball of pure anti-matter. Their collective energy of nothingness in which their dual lack of having actually done anything would create an inescapable vortex in which no opponent could escape. This new Archon, consumed by the Power Overwhelming, would streak across the galaxy, unstoppable to any force, save anyone on the planet who might actually point out they have the combined legislative record of a Pillsbury Toaster Strudel.

Also, oh screw you guys, Gilliard gets to do all the Warhammer crap.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:43 AM

October 23, 2006

"Voter fraud fraud"

Latest comic - click here!

One of the potential humorous ironies that would come from Democrats taking over Congress in a few weeks would be the actual instance of Democrats winning an election despite the insistance of vast numbers of right-wingers who are sure, sure that, despite any evidence whatsoever, the left is registering millions of illegal immigrants, felons, and dead people to vote.

For all the talk right-wingers make about Democrats and their numerous conspiracies to rig elections, they don't seem to be, you know, very good at it. If every accusation about the "MSM" and "liberal media" and "Democrat tricksters" made by the right is actually true, then the left has a record of effectiveness in their goals roughly equivalent to the bad guys on Pokemon.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:04 AM