April 15, 2006

Oh, and something about Jesus

It's Easter. Please enjoy this 17-pound rabbit.

(Larger photo here)

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:37 PM

April 14, 2006

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

TEN FULL MINUTES OF BABY PANDA. OMG OMG OMG

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:53 AM

The idiot list

What the hell, let's just make a complete list of all the bloggers too stupid to understand the concept of "network ownership."

Current list of people insisting Trey Parker and Matt Stone should abandon Comedy Central and bring South Park to another network in the parallel universe where Comedy Central doesn't actually own the show:

Ed Morrissey
Stephen Spruiell
Damian Penny

I'm interested in seeing just how far the official meme-o-stupid of the week gets passed around. If you see any others, send me the link and I'll add it to the list.

Remember- this isn't a list of people who are pissed that Comedy Central "censored" the episode; it's merely the people too lazy and/or stupid to be bothered to take the three minutes on Google needed to understand that Parker and Stone don't even have the legal right to take "their" show anywhere, no matter how many... well, maybe nearly a dozen... bloggers tell them they should.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:31 AM

Woo-Who

Just as a reminder for you fans who care, this is pretty much the perfect storm Doctor Who weekend of awesomeness. Tonight's U.S. airing on Sci-Fi is- well whatever, they already spoil it in the preview and the episode title itself- the Dalek episode. If you do not enjoy this episode, you officially do not have a soul. That would be enough to make any crappy weekend good and decent again, but then the BBC decided to go ahead and premiere Season Two on Saturday.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:50 AM

April 13, 2006

Dear right-wingers who feel they don't actually need to research anything

I understand running around in outrage over Comedy Central not airing an episode of South Park exactly the way you want it and all that, but could you at least try not to look insanely stupid by spouting random kneejerk statements like:

When their contract with Comedy Central expires, Matt Stone and Trey Parker should tell Viacom to screw off and release new, completely uncensored South Park episodes online. Under the circumstances, I'm sure many people who download television shows for free would pay for them.
1. Parker and Stone signed a three-year extension with Comedy Central in November. Their contract will expire in 2008, long after anyone gives a shit about you pretending this Mohammed thing is a devastating blow to freedom or whatever you're all yapping about.

2. When Parker and Stone's contract expires, they can't do a damn thing with South Park because they don't own the show. Comedy Central does, and unless their lawyers were morons they own it in perpetuity.

I understand this is the thing to pretend to be outraged about this week, but these are concepts that require the intense labor of three minutes on Google to understand.

In the meantime, I am sure, no- positive- that Comedy Central is just racked with fear from the scorn of Guys With Websites as they collect- and this is not fully confirmed at last check- six gazillion dollars off the ad revenue from the controversy you're pushing with this. Yep.

As for the episode itself- I was really ready to have some whole case about the editing thing, but honestly, I don't even care. Whether or not Comedy Central edited a shot from the episode had no real bearing to me on the episode just sucking in general. I really hope they're going to go back to being funny sometime this season.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 4:47 PM

Expect a lawsuit

Those bastard scientists in England have totally stolen intense and elaborate research from prominent American researchers:

FEW women would claim to have the perfect bottom. But for those in need of reassurance that it is within reach, a scientist has come to the rescue by working out a mathematical formula they believe adds up to the perfect posterior.

The magical figures are (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V. Though the equation looks rather complicated, it is, according to the scientist, simple.

It assesses shape, bounce, firmness and symmetry � all factors that add up to the bottom line.

S is the overall shape or droopiness of the bottom, C represents how spherical the buttocks are, B measures muscular wobble or bounce, while F records the firmness.

V is the hip to waist ratio, or symmetry of the bottom, and T measures the skin texture and presence of cellulite.

David Holmes, a psychology lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University, England, devised the formula.

Let it be known and spread across the globe that David Holmes is a thief, as his research notes are clearly and inarguably cribbed from the Beyonce-Alba Gluteal Supremacy Theory, which has been public knowledge courtesy of this website for over a year.

Prominent and hard-working bootyologists like Professor Willis deserve the credit for these discoveries. Expect legal papers to be filed immediately.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:28 AM

April 12, 2006

Remember, we're much, much safer now

Homeland Security at its finest:

A Minnesota reservist who spent the past eight months in Iraq was told he couldn't board a plane to Minneapolis because his name appeared on a "no-fly" list as a possible terrorist.

Marine Staff Sgt. Daniel Brown, who was in uniform and returning from the war with 26 other Marine military police reservists, was delayed briefly in Los Angeles until the issue was cleared up.

The presence of Brown's name on the watch list apparently resulted from an airport incident when he was on his way to Iraq.

He was trying to board a plane last June for training in California before heading to Iraq in September. But Transportation Security Administration screeners found gunpowder residue on his boots � likely left over from a previous two-month tour in Iraq.

"I tried to explain what was going on, that I'd just got home and was going back again," Brown said. "They made a big stink about it, and I ended up missing my flight to California."



Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:53 AM
Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:45 AM

April 11, 2006

Advanced technology from the guy who performed faith healing

Bill Frist bumps up to the 21st century: for the family of comatose patients on the go, you can now download his professional medical diagnoses and have them forced upon you whenever you want.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:40 PM

April 10, 2006

Yes.

Speaking of the silly idea that there simply isn't racism in the world anymore, I feel it's been long enough since I mentioned once again that Scott Ramsoomair tops the very short list of reasons why I bother to get up in the morning.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:16 PM

Latest comic - "Racial roundtable"

I find it kind of funny and sad at the same time that John Hodgman made this point as a joke on The Daily Show last week: even the fake news show doesn't have a single non-white correspondent. There's a lot to be argued about what all that means, if anything. But it certainly makes recent news events like Cynthia McKinney and the immigration debate interesting in terms of how much "diversity" newscasting and analysis actually has.

I avoided writing on the McKinney story because it's one of those stories that has no business being a story until we actually know the story. Got all that? Let me rephrase it: I have absolutely no idea what the hell happened, and neither does anyone else. When you can show me a video of the incident, I'll believe it. Until then, both sides have a plausible story, and both sides have a reason to be saying what they're saying: the security guard doesn't want to admit to what sounds like a standard run-of-the-mill case of insensitive, kneejerk racial profiling, and McKinney doesn't want to admit that she's probably insane. What I do know is that I really have no interest watching another minute of old white men with cable news shows debating whether or not there are racial problems in America anymore.

Buy, as they say, some crap.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:04 AM

April 9, 2006

The David Horowitz Award for excellence in being David Horowitz

How better for David Horowitz to end a conference he created just to make himself feel good about himself and his book than to create a new award for someone and then award it to... that person:

The headliner was to be Horowitz himself but there was a problem with him being the climax: Horowitz was on pretty much every panel. He actually had the balls to set up a conference featuring himself in almost every aspect of it. The interesting thing, however, was how unimpressive Davey was. I was expecting a guy who had the audience in the palm of his hand every time he opened his mouth. I figured that in order to get people to sign on to such a terrible and unnecessary idea as the Academic Bill of Rights (ABOR) he would have to be a charismatic charmer that made you think everything he said was infallible. What I got instead was a genuine loser that would mope up to the microphone, struggle through a speech of scattered thoughts and random anecdotes, and then duck back down into his chair to wait for his next turn. In between panels, he would walk through the crowds of people on his own with few people talking to him. Perhaps it was because they all already knew him. Perhaps it was because he just has an aura of awkwardness. Either way, this tiny man is not the fierce leader I expected. He mentioned in one of his five addresses how he has been compared to Lenin, Trotsky, and Hitler. These comparisons are not only ridiculous in the obvious sense that all Hitler references are ridiculous, but also in the sense that those men were great leaders with wicked causes. Horowitz is a weasel with a bad cause.

The culmination of my time there came when Tom Kirger, a big wig of the American Federation of Teachers asked Horowitz why, if this is a non- partisan issue as Horowitz claims, all of the kids on an earlier panel about abuses on campus were self proclaimed conservative activists. Davey kicked into action. His rant gradually got louder and more absurd and somehow ended up with him talking about a Socialist textbook being read in schools and shouting "You're the AFT, you wont stick up to it, you're to busy defending Sami al- Aryan and other terrorists."

I am going to put this in a Q&A format.
Q: Why are there no liberal students on these panels?
A: You support socialism and terrorism.

If anything this conference is just proof to the sane that Horowitz is not as influential as we might think. He has money, which was spent on fantastic crab cakes, a few friends, all of whom were as dull and boring as Davey himself, and a short fuse that usually ends with him accusing someone of being a terrorist enthusiast.

I don't want to be all negative in my posting on this conference. I would like to congratulate Sean Allen-- the 16 year- old from Colorado who tape recorded his professor comparing Bush II to Hitler-- on winning the first annual Sean Allen Award. The Sean Allen Award is for those who show courage in the name of academic freedom and resist indoctrination in the classroom. So again, congratulations to Sean Allen on winning the Sean Allen award.



Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:14 PM