December 17, 2005

OMFG

SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC.

SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC.

SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC SAM AND MAX WEBCOMIC!

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:25 PM

December 15, 2005

Strike two

Reading about the possible NYC transit strike tomorrow, I can only recall the post I made a few years ago about one of these. I only remember it because of a quote from Tom: "the sort of hysteria which really should be reserved for the news that a large meteor is hurtling directly toward 34th Street and 5th Avenue."

That remains one of the funniest things I've ever heard and as such I will link to it again. And I will likely link to it again next year when there's another strike threat.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:44 PM

Attitude 3 Info

Ted put up the final roster for Attitude 3, as well as the current projected publication date: June 2006.

While I'm at it, Ted's radio show now streams live, so be sure to check it out. He even does a "cartoonist roundup" during the show. (The show airs Sundays from 2:00-5:00 PM Eastern time)

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:35 PM

December 14, 2005

Executive decision

I hereby declare that only the stuff I can mail by Friday morning I can guarantee arriving at your house by Dec. 23. Therefore, if you want any books, stickers, buttons, or signed prints, you must order them by 5:00 PM EST tomorrow (Thursday) for guaranteed pre-holiday arrival.

I usually send out any book/print/sticker orders within 24 hours of recieving it, but since I send all that stuff via normal USPS mail, I can't make guarantees on anything that hits the mailbox Monday or later.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 5:57 PM

December 13, 2005

Darwin defeated by cuteness

Animal Planet had a special on this weekend about the birth of Butterstick, the baby panda at the National Zoo. As many of you know, the big thing about giant pandas isn't just that they're adorable, it's that they're a very, very endangered species. Well, unlike elephants and other species who are hunted by poachers and devestated by the ever-approaching acts of humans, the Animal Planet special cast a light on the true reason giant pandas are actually endangered in this world: they are, in fact, the stupidest creatures on the face of the earth.

And it's not even that they're just stupid; they're woefully inefficient as creatures in general. Combined, that they still exist is a testament not to the panda, but to us humans. Allow me to explain.

To start, the pandas have a gestation cycle of about a week every year. So there's basically a few minutes' window annually for the male and female panda to procreate and fertilize an egg. And this is where the stupidity kicks in: as you watch the special, they show video of how the pandas don't know how to mate correctly. The male keeps falling over, he goes in backwards, at one point he decides to try mounting her head. You can't even compare this to human teenagers losing their virginity; at least they're smart enough to figure out slot A goes in slot B. The pandas can't figure it out, and it would be comical if it weren't so depressing.

So, after three years of failed attempts to mate correctly, the zoo workers decide to artificially inseminate the mother panda. And a brand-new element of giant panda utter stupidity/ineffectiveness comes into play: no one actually knows if the panda is pregnant or not... including the panda. Again, unlike other large mammals that actually have somewhat large babies, the pandas pop out a baby (hence the nickname) the size of a butter stick. The zoo folk can only interpret basic changes in activity to guess if that means she's pregnant: for example, building a nest or eating even more bamboo than usual.

Oh... oh, oh... shit. The bamboo. Let's talk about the damn bamboo. You want a perfect example of how Intelligent Design is bupkus? This is a gigantic animal "designed" to favor as a food staple a plant that has almost no nutritional value whatsoever. Bamboo has a nutrient level somewhere along the lines of celery, therefore instead of turning to meat, or other sources, pandas have to eat tons of it daily just to get enough nutrients. Remember those stupid Total cereal ads where they show the douchebag at the hotel or something the pyramid of cornflakes he'd have to eat to get all the nutrition from one bowl of Total? That's bamboo for pandas. Except they won't eat the fucking Total, they get to work on their twenty-seven bowls of cornflakes. And if you try to argue with them, I'm guessing that because they're giant pandas they'll simply club you in the face until you die.

Where was I? Oh, right, the special moment. Remember how I said the mom "pops out" the baby? Usually that's hyperbole: we said Britney Spears "popped out" a baby but it wasn't actually a description of the birthing process; we were just using colorful metaphor to imply she's a dirty whore.

Well that's not the case for the pandas: by pop out, I actually mean pop out. They showed the video of Butterstick's birth; here's how it went down: momma panda started acting listless and groggy. She started rolling over in her pen and groaning. Then, and I am not making this up, she fired a baby panda out of her vagina.

Yes, fired. Ejected. Launched. There were no contractions, labor pains, pushing, grunting, nothing. I knew pandas were not actually bears, but I never realized they were actually descended from NERF guns. It shot out like it was coming from a T-shirt cannon at a NASCAR race, bounced off the pen wall, and landed next to the mother, who in what at this point we can all agree can only be an absolute miracle of instinct, decided not to eat it.

And honestly, I'm positive that this makes the very existence of giant pandas unique. In contrast to any other animal in the world, giant pandas exist solely because humans adore them, and want them to reproduce and stay alive. This doesn't demean their beauty or my respect for nature in general, but it merits saying out loud and accepting: these aren't noble, majestic creatures. And then I realized it: they're the Paris Hiltons of the animal kingdom. They exist because we lavish them with wealth, fawn over their appearance, and stare at them endlessly via night-vision cameras.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:52 AM

December 12, 2005

Wait... he's still there?

Yeah, I'm on a Bill O'Reilly roll this week. You might all remember how last year I noted that NewsCorp had a holiday, not Christmas, party, and Bill O'Reilly didn't say a word.

Well this year, they had two.

How Bill could have kept his composure and not walked out the door in protest is beyond me.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:42 PM

Newest comic - "The O'Reilly Factor for kids"

Y'know, it's a good thing I don't have to go home for Christmas for another two weeks because I'm pretty sure it'll be that long before I can look family members in the face after all the stuff I had to put in this week's word balloons. Thanks to the self-appointed arbiter of X-mas virtue I've just produced the filthiest strip I've ever done in the six years I've been drawing it.

As if the disclaimer at the bottom of the strip wasn't enough, I'm going to emphasize one more time that yes, Bill "the liberals hate Christian morality" O'Reilly wrote a novel filled with hardcore sex and obscene violence. Furthermore, said novel is awful. The passages that make this week's installment by far the most awful one I've ever written are completely, one hundred percent real. By the way, the book's all about Irish guys from Long Island and broadcast media personalities who kill and/or repeatedly fornicate with their co-workers. Not that it, you know, implies anything.

Okay, so just so we're clear again, you understand that it totally does, right? Okay, good.

Now buy some crap, and see you all in two weeks with the Christmas Comic.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:15 AM

December 11, 2005

I ain't dead yet, motherfucker


You get scared after you have a heart attack. That all the time any time you feel a little pain you go �huh?�

Anyone here had a heart attack? Them motherfuckers hurt. I�m not bullshittin,� man, I was walkin� in the front yard. I was just walkin� along and somethin� say �don�t breathe.�

I say �huh?�

�You heard me motherfucker I said don�t breathe.�

�Okay, I won�t breathe I won�t breathe I won�t breathe.�

�Then shut the fuck up then.�

I say �don�t kill me don�t kill me don�t kill me.�

�Get on one knee and prove it.�

�I�m on one knee.�

�You thinkin� about dyin� now, ain�t ya?�

�Yeah, I think about dyin.� I think about dyin.��

�You didn�t think about it when you was eatin� all that pork. All greasy. You know black people got high blood pressure anyway, don�t ya.�

�Yeah I know I know.�

�Then watch your diet.�

�I will don�t kill me don�t kill me don�t kill me.�

You be thinkin� about that shit when you�re goin� to die. You put an emergency call to God too, right? �Can I speak to God right away please?�

But always some angel come on: �I�ll have to put you on hold.� And then your heart get mad if it find you was goin� behind its back to talk to God. Your heart say �was you tryin� to talk to God behind my back?�

�No I wasn�t.�

�You was, you lyin� motherfucker, you was!�

I woke up in an ambulance, right? And there wasn�t nothin� but white people starin� at me. I say �ain�t this a bitch. I bin died and wound up in the wrong motherfuckin� heaven!�

Goodbye, Richard.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:16 AM