May 6, 2005

Gag me with a scone

Ah ha. So apparently, the talking point that will now be spouted for at least the next week or so is that the three countries most committed to the War in Iraq™ all had their leaders re-elected, thus, umm... I guess, validating the war or something. Bravo, PowerLine and Company, for coming up with such a simplistic pseudo-analysis. It's as if they think Blair still being Prime Minister means Iraq did have WMDs after all.

Of course, back on Planet Earth, the reality of both the UK and the US elections and their aftermath are somewhat more real than the "interpretations" of men who give themselves phallic nicknames. Yes, Bush was re-elected, thanks to a combination of "Kerry loves teh sADdaM!" war-fear and "Kerry loves teh BuTt-pR0n" gay-bashing courtesy of the Bush/Cheney '08 re-election team. Today, more than half the country thinks the war is a mistake, and yesterday Blair lost around 100 seats in Parliament. While the right-wingers would love to just feel content with the idea that British politics work exactly the same way American politics do, in which the guy with the majority wins everything, it's not the same thing: Labour losing 100 seats is a bad thing for Labour, no matter what side of the war debate you were on.

As already noted, the righties have this particular habit of validating everything they do by means of a "winner-takes-all" view of the November election. Bush won, therefore everything they believe on the war, gays, abortion, taxes, Social Security, and so on are "right." Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way, and it won't merely by claiming so in Kevin Drum's comments section.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:21 PM

May 5, 2005

Save us, save us!

Update: The arrested student responds. Good for him.

Okay, seriously- when did right-wingers become such pussies?

That's a loaded question, I'm sure, but I'm not really sure what happened in the last generation to make the conservatives so terrified of liberals that even the most remote of incidents merits arresting them and locking them away.

Jen Sorensen did a great cartoon a while back that emphasized this point: the "radical leftists" of my parents' generation were, you know, radical leftists. The SLA. Eco-terrorists. Stuff like that.

So now, we've got guys asking Ann Coulter if she thinks it's okay for conservative men to sodomize their wives, and the right-wingers are celebrating the guy's arrest for "incitement."

God. What kind of spineless, whiny prats are these people? They're like the white faux-gangsta teenagers of the political punditry world. If they ever saw a real thug, they'd shit their pants.

At least with the pie stuff, the conservatives could latch onto lame "assault" charges. "They ruined my suit! Why isn't a 400-pound man raping them in a holding cell yet! Harumph! Harumph!"

So Ann Coulter's not just a crazy bitch, she's also a timid, terrified little coward. And as far as calling the cops for this event, the only people who should have been arrested were whatever parents who, according to the police report, brought a ten-year-old to see Ann Coulter.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:38 PM

May 4, 2005

May the fourth be with you

I heard that joke as a five-year old, and for seventeen years I always forgot to say it when the opportunity arose. So I remembered finally to say it this year with an hour left on the clock.

Deal with it.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:01 PM

May 3, 2005

Break stuff

Okay, well I'm happy to report that aforementioned hideous config.sys-destroying malware didn't cause me to lose my old comics and other files, which are now happily saved and backed up.

Unfortunately, I still have to deal with re-installing all my programs, and making sure everything works right, and then, of course, the small matter of running military-level formatting software on my old hard drive to make sure that little motherfucker never re-installs upon deleted again, bitch. I'm also treating this wonderful adventure as a cold-water-in-face reminder that it's time to switch over to FireFox, which means learning how to adjust all the minute little settings that make you want to punch your fist through the screen because after six year of using IE it's almost involuntary knowing where every button is and now you click there and you've suddenly subscribed to an RSS feed for a website about American Idol.

So considering that I was going to be on a delayed schedule this weekend anyway (apparently, some deeply psychological connection to the female unit that created me is intensely high this weekend, requiring pilgrimage to the home nest to, umm, take her to dinner and stuff) the comic is just going to sit tight for the week and pretend it was meant for Monday while I take the week off to make sure everything's fixed. I have something I personally find extra-funny that I think can somewhat make it up to you, which I shall upload as soon as I re-install my scanner.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:09 PM

Yes yes yes yes oh god yes

Stephen Colbert to anchor Daily Show spinoff:

If Comedy Central's Jon Stewart is the comic version of Peter Jennings or Brian Williams, Stephen Colbert promises to be the same for Bill O'Reilly and others like him.

"The Daily Show" regular will star each night in "The Colbert Report," likely starting in September. Comedy Central is revamping its schedule, recognizing that late-night programming is essentially prime time for its youthful audience.

"It's as if my character on `The Daily Show' got promoted," Colbert told The Associated Press.

He'll be a "very well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot, not unlike some people who have these shows in the real world," he said.

Besides lampooning O'Reilly, the king of the cable TV opinion shows, he's sending up people such as Sean Hannity, Joe Scarborough and Anderson Cooper, he said.

One segment of his show, "Worthy Opponent," will feature Colbert debating Colbert.

The only negative to this would be that Colbert isn't on The Daily Show as frequently. I don't really think that's a huge problem, since A. he's going to be anchoring his own show right after it, for godssakes, and B. Colbert is, with the exception of Lewis Black, I believe, the only anchor on the show who's been there since the beginning- hell, he's been there longer than Jon Stewart. Despite the numerous side projects Colbert's done while at Comedy Central: Smigel cartoons, Strangers With Candy, Harvey Birdman, etc, he's been loyal to The Daily Show. I don't really see he packing and leaving it behind, and I'd be very surprised if he did.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:50 PM

You mean they DO exist?

NYT, Via Pandagon:

Having performed at the Republican National Convention in 2000, the Celestial Voices are no strangers to politics, and their vehement views are easy to distill: George Bush is good, his opponents are not.

"President Bush is Christian," said Sade Melendez, 10, after a recent rehearsal. "He doesn't believe in abortion, and the other man does."

"John Kerry believes in lesbians," said Jorge Granados, 10.

Man, what a dork, right? I mean, this kid stopped believing in lesbians at ten, and Kerry still believes in them?

I bet John Kerry still believes in Eskimos too.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:28 AM

Presented without comment

That's all I got.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:03 AM

May 2, 2005

No time to think, this calls for action!

Okay, once again I'm leaping into the shark tank on this one, but does this article kinda make anyone else a tad nervous about the state of legislative debate?

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. - With the father of a slain 9-year-old looking on, Gov. Jeb Bush signed legislation Monday that strengthens punishment and monitoring of child sex abusers.

The Jessica Lunsford Act requires those who prey on children under 12 to be sentenced to at least 25 years in prison and, if they get out, to be tracked for life.

The bill was quickly drafted after Jessica's body was discovered in March, and sped through the legislative process, pushed by outraged lawmakers.

Bush said Florida's sex offender laws are already tough, and "this bill will make our laws even tougher. It think it is right and just."

Bush hugged Mark Lunsford after signing the bill, telling him he was proud of his leadership in pushing for the measure so soon after his daughter's death.

Lunsford, wearing a tie with pictures of his daughter, said he has been working so furiously to channel his anger into the legislation he hasn't yet really grieved.

Okay. Child molesters- bad. Very bad. Horribly bad. Supremely bad. Need jail and/or therapy for perhaps rest of their lives, usual copy goes here.

But should lawmakers really be emphasizing, let alone almost celebrating, how glad they were to rush a bill based on gut reactions and reflex emotion? It's like saying how great it was that they passed the "Jack Daniels is Awesome" Act of 2005, pointing out they would have called it "REALLY Awesome" had they started drinking only a few hours earlier.

I feel really bad for the father of this poor girl, but what an amazingly stupid thing to do. Ronald Reagan- not exactly an icon of Progressive politics- signed a law requiring a 25-year moratorium before dedicating certain monuments after deceased Presidents (you can see how well Reaganites followed their Lord's instructions, of course) because of this exact reason- laws are meant to be based on the welfare of eternal generations, not the tragedy of the day.

I'm all for laws to help protect childred from predators (though I'm not even going to get into the problems with this particular one- inserting GPS devices into people?) but the Florida legislature is basically expressing how proud they were that they passed a law with as little thought put into it as humanly possible. Isn't that kind of disturbing?

Posted by August J. Pollak at 2:08 PM

May 1, 2005


Well, there's supposed to be a comic for you right now, but five minutes before scanning it in something decided to force-download itself onto my computer that refuses to stop loading popups onto my computer. I've got three different programs claiming my computer has been "cleaned" only to have the entire program heal itself and re-install everything again. This might be awhile, so odds are you'll just get a cartoon somewhere during the week.

Update: Oh, this is just fucking great. The sub-human sociopaths who designed the spyware made it so that it infects my config.sys file, causing Ad-Aware and SpyBot to detect that file as corrupted and... that's right, delete it. This update's coming from the office, because the home computer is now officially a fucking paperweight until I can fix it.

I remember where I wrote a few weeks back about how there's a huge difference between spammers and people who write malicious spyware and adware programs. This is a perfect example. Some company paid another company to design a program that I never asked to download, never wanted, and in the process of trying to get rid of may have destroyed everything on my computer since the last time I backed up a few weeks ago. Spam is nothing; one click and it gets deleted. These are the fuckers who deserve to be in jail.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:14 PM

Laura Bush: my husband's a moron who once jerked off a horse

Look, she said it, not me:

read these Wonkette excerpts of Laura Bush's speech at the WH correspondence dinner last night and I thought it was satire. But I just saw the tape and it's for real:

"I am married to the President of the United States and here is our typical evening. Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep, and I am watching Desperate Housewives. With Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentleman, I am a desperate housewife. I mean if those women on that show think they're desperate, they ought to be with George. One night after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendales....I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service code name is now Dollar Bill."

"George always says that he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Baloney. He's usually in bed by now. I'm not kidding. I said to him the other day, George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later."

"The amazing thing is that George and I were just meant to be. I was a librarian who spent 12 hours a day in the library, yet somehow I met George."

"I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse."

Now that I see it again, it really does have the ring of truth.

Thank goodness she's such a good Christian or someone might get the idea she's alluding to equine hand jobs, thong stuffing and a very limp husband. I'm sure James Dobson would interpret these comments correctly as her desire for her husband to take his proper leadership role. And, of course, if she doesn't respond to his leadership George can always take a belt to her as if she's a dauchshund.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 3:40 PM

Like a DQ Blizzard

I took the time Friday night to attend a live performance of one MC Chris, he of "the voice of Hesh" fame. I'm pretty sure we've established a new meaning to the cliche "you have to see them live." The concept has no meaning until the voice of one of your favorite cartoon characters- who, for the record, is a early-30's, pudgy white guy who loves Star Wars and video games- visits one of your local abandoned warehouses and raps.

The reason you need to see MC Chris live, and the reason I love him so, isn't as much the songs (great though they are) but the magical powers Chris Ward employs in the form of not thinking before opening his mouth. The result is a rewarding experience of five-minute free-form rants deeply rooted in geek pride. My friend Rodney, who always used to laugh his ass off when I started doing extended rants about things, would likely require hospital treatment after watching such interludes on stage this evening as (and I'm paraphrasing from memory here):

Thank you! How many of you have a robot dog? I wanted one because I just felt like calling up Japan one day and I said to the King or whatever "I want to most expensive, high-tech piece of technology to ever come out of Japan!" and they said "of course, MC Chris, we'll give you anything you want because you taught us all to be Ninjas and then had sex with thirty of my daughters." And it's true, man, I, you know, I taught them how to do like backflips and shit and that they should put the string inbetween their toes on their shoes when they all become ninjas so they gave me- listen, I can go back to the tour van, okay? I actually have two tour vans, and there's a rop bridge between them that's always on fire and two Russian bitches guarding them that are like "Chris, make love to us" and their faces are all covered in mayonaisse, so then I have to go fuck them, you know, with my two dicks or something. This song is called "Robot Dog." Hit it!
He did something like this in between every song. It's almost religious, except not as insane as many sermons you could find on TV being spewed out at the same time.

It'll be interesting to see just how famous Chris becomes. Right now he's doing these little shows for the Adult Swim fans and the geek subculture he's becoming quite an idol for. The performance was at a "club" in DC called Nation. I say "club" because that is apparently what DC residents call abandoned warehouses a block away from the Navy Yard.

Inside, of course, was the realization of multicultural splendor, geeks and goth dorks adjusting to lesser "opening" DJs in a somewhat Benneton ad of loserdom. Were it not for the constant thumping of semi-tolerable techno beats providing the cue for a handful of small Asian gentlemen to pantomime epilleptic seizures on the dance floor, and the presence of- yes, I believe the exact count was eleven women- the atmosphere would be reduced to several dumbfounded folks such as myself ordering drinks served in styrofoam cups and wondering when they were going to start explaining the rules for Fight Club. General mental message of the night was, "there is absolutely no excuse for being 23 years old and feeling this old."

So, as I'll point out once again, I'm clearly just not one for the club culture. Especially 90%-white goth kid adandoned warehouse club culture. But MC Chris- dude, the man oughtta be in pictures.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 6:38 AM