March 26, 2005

Just for reference

The sudden cosmic shift you may experience today as if the entire world suddenly re-aligned itself back into the proper place and everything is once again as it should be is, in fact, explainable.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:51 AM

March 25, 2005

The warbloggers are shocked, shocked, to find that gambling is going on in here

When you get cable installed or sign up for a cell phone, the company tends to give you a long-term service contract. It's so the company doesn't get hit with scam artists who want to sign up for a weekend of HBO just to watch a certain movie, or so someone doesn't just grab the free phone and run. When you commit to a package, you have to keep that package, and you don't get to pick and choose what channels you can remove to lower your bill.

So why, in this age of basic consumer economics, are the warbloggers acting as if they can send their TiVos back now that the election's over?

Look, I'm sure I'll just get accused of "jealousy" or "liberal hatred" or some stupid ducking-the-issue thing like that, but this whole blog meme about "discovering" the right-wing fundamentalist dominance of the Republican Party is mind-numbing.

While I don't have any malice toward him, I really don't understand why John Cole has become the most loved person on the left side of the internet for suddenly discovering what religion the Pope is. I find it somewhat irritating that conservatives, Cole included, spent the entire 2004 campaign in the typical condescending way that most warblogs are written mocking the leftest of the left bloggers for their nightmare scenarios about Bush's right-wing agenda, and now they're acting as if they didn't see it coming.

And no, this isn't just an attack on Cole, or for that matter even on conservative bloggers in general. I said the same thing about Howard Stern when he suddenly decided to be a champion of the left: yeah, thanks a lot, Howard, but it would have been a lot nicer if you gave a shit about the corporate oligarchy before it stopped sending you checks.

And I'm not saying that Cole is a liar, either. But to act as if this wasn't going to happen is at least slightly ignorant. When Bush pushed for the gay marriage ban last year, I wrote back then about the line right-wing bloggers were crossing by embracing Bush. One prominent blogger flat-out stated that she would support the President for the war and ignore his outright hatred of gays because it was necessary to "defend first, offend later."

Guess what, kids: it's later. And you wrote your own damn selves that it was going to come.

Oliver wrote this on his site today:

For many of you who voted for President Bush, this is not the government you voted for. Most likely, you felt president Bush was stronger on fighting terrorism than John Kerry. I disagree, but that's besides the point. What I'm sure you weren't voting for was a president and a congress that links arms with the most radical elements in our country.

You didn't think you were voting for a government that would decide what the best medical care for you and your family is, and would intervene when it disagreed. But you did.

And with all due respect to Oliver, that's completely wrong. The right-wingers knew exactly what they were voting for.

This is the government they wanted. This is the "later" they decided would never come because all that mattered was "freeing" Iraq and then all those stupid liberals would eat their words and ha ha ha, Bush won, that means we're right! Eat it, stupid liberals! I was right and you were wrong! That's what matters! Woo hoo!

Huh? What do you mean I have to pay $49.99 a month for two years? I just wanted the cell phone!

This isn't discovery, nor is it revelation. The warbloggers knew damn well what was going to happen. They knew damn well what they voted for. And now they want to distance themselves from the nutjobs they campaigned for now that the election's over.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:30 AM

March 24, 2005

Wow.

Bill Frist: GIGANTO-douche.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 5:05 PM

Greenstreets of America

A special aura of awesomeness to all the readers who showed up at the This Divided State screening last night. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to get over the concept that people actually read this site and, when suggested by me that they do something- in this case go see a movie- they actually do it. Just wait until I get the plans for the bank heist worked out.

Anyway, while my powers of persuasion are still active, I'll remind everyone to tell your friends that the tour is going cross-country, and if you have the chance to see the film and don't, you suck. Steven Greenstreet blew us all away last night during the after-screening Q&A- the guy is articulate, intelligent, and honestly cares about actually having a debate about the different opinions in this country. While most people are going to look at this film as having a liberal slant, that wasn't Greenstreet's intentention, and he's actually one of the few people on the planet who says he wants "fair and balanced debate" and actually means it. His line of the night: "The only thing I did to make the people in this film all look stupid was hit the record button."

And if that's not enough for you, once again take a look at the Laugh While You Can tour. I've already got my piece up on CampusProgress.org that mentions it, and I'm hoping to catch the DC show next week.

Okay, enough plugs for now, it's clearly getting in the way of my mocking of coma victims.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:35 AM

Kung Fu Monkey Hustle

John Rogers digs me. And when people who write screenplays for Transformers movies dig you, that's all you need.

Eerie fun fact: in Monday's strip, my original idea for the final "war on gravity panel" was going to be two guys dressed in orange flight suits holding a giant bomb, and the dialogue was going to be "it's only a theory- TO THE CORE!" And John Rogers wrote The Core. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:26 AM

March 23, 2005

Drown Terri!

Okay, one more time, for the slow folks in the back.

Stop it with the ridiculous "bring Terri water" crap, okay? She can't swallow. If you want to force your way into the hospice and pour water into her mouth, by all means, go right ahead. Then enjoy the next twenty years in jail for murdering someone.

This is really hard to grasp, I know, but let's give it a go. Forcing water down the mouth of someone who can't swallow is called drowning.

I understand you're all lunatics and are trying to make some kind of symbolic effort and warping your small children forever whom you clearly care about less than some vegetable you've never met, but Jesus, people. At least pretend you give a shit about someone.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 4:00 PM

Drawing, Because they Can

I wrote an article about independent cartoonists and the alternative press for Campus Progress. I'm slightly biased, but I think it's a great article, plus it's got a lot of information about Jen Sorensen's gallery tour, which you should go see, lest you make the baby Jesus cry. Check it out.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:40 PM

Kicking them while they're in the crouching position

I'm going to make a pre-emptive strike here, considering that we're likely within a few days of every blogger making their Jerry's Final Thoughts on the Terri Schiavo debacle. The line I'm waiting from a large group of left-to-moderate bloggers is going to be the one about the "express sympathies for Terri's parents," yadda yadda yadda. I will not join in with them.

Four weeks ago, I would have been with everyone on that. Four weeks ago, I really did feel horrible about the situation they are going through. The condition of their daughter is, frankly, the stuff that nightmares are made out of.

In the last few weeks, however, the Schindlers have acquired the services of Randall Terry as their spokesmen. There is no ambiguity in this: Randall Terry is a terrorist. He is the leader of the militant anti-choice organization Operation Rescue, a group that has- with Terry participating- orchestrated several dozen acts of intimidation against women's clinics, most of which employed intimidation tactics and physical attempts to block access to health services. Terry has direct ties to the convicted murderers of doctors. And he has said publicly, and I quote, "Our goal is a Christian nation. ... We have a biblical duty, we are called by God to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want pluralism."

The Schindlers have selected, to represent their "love" for their daughter, a man who has disowned his own son because he is gay. They have employed a monster who openly advocates violence and terrorist acts against women and doctors. And they have aligned themselves with a person who said you are against God if you did not vote for George W. Bush.

The only thing the Schindlers have proven in the last few weeks is that they have no rational basis of love for their daughter. If they did, they would not have bastardized her very name and image to support a man and a group that represents practically every single thing wrong with the concept of "family values" in this country.

I do not offer them my sympathies. I demand an apology.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:54 PM

March 22, 2005

These people have lost their fucking minds

Apparently, Free Republic and a few other right-wing websites have concluded the obvious reason that a Federal Judge just turned down the request to re-insert Terri Schiavo's feeding tube. It had nothing, mind you, to do with 17 other judges in the last five years or so who all said the same thing, but with the simple fact that the Federal Judge, James Whittemore, was appointed by Bill Clinton.

So here, for the first time ever, is the stunning re-enactment of Bill Clinton's devious plan to kill Terri Schiavo.

SCENE: The Oval Office, Winter 1999.

JUDGE WHITTEMORE enters. BILL CLINTON sits at his desk. He is wearing no pants.

BILL CLINTON: Jimmy! How are you! Come on in!

JUDGE WHITTEMORE: Heil Hitler!

BILL CLINTON: Heh heh. Oh, Jimmy, you're a hoot! Listen, I gotta make this quick 'cause I'm about to have sex with another intern while mah wife is busy having Rudy Giuliani infected with cancer so he can't run against her.

JUDGE WHITTEMORE: That's a good idea. After all, a few years from now he could be faced with an unexpected opportunity to prove his true leadership despite the media perceptions of him as a corrupt, adultering, oppressive racist.

BILL CLINTON: Unexpected... yeah.

JUDGE WHITTEMORE: So what's up?

BILL CLINTON: Well, Jimmy, ah got me a great plan for y'all. Ah'm a gonna make you a Federal Judge down in Florida! But if you want it, yah gotta do something for me.

JUDGE WHITTEMORE: Anything, Bill.

BILL CLINTON: Using my powers to see into the future granted to me by our Lord Satan, I've determined that a woman named Terri Schiavo who's been lying in a hospital bed for the last nine years will become the lynchpin for Armageddon six years from now. At that time, you will be faced with the opportunity to guarantee her death upon the weekend of the Resurrection of Christ, thus allowing Great Lucifer to rise again.

JUDGE WHITTEMORE: That's a great plan, Bill. But what about Jeb Bush? Him and his brothers are formidable allies with the All-Father.

BILL CLINTON: THE BROTHER LAMBS OF CHRIST SHALL NOT STOP ME! To weaken their powers I will deliberately neglect the Middle East so that they are preoccupied for most of their political lives with the rise of terrorism that I willingly allowed.

JUDGE WHITTEMORE: It's... it's perfect, Bill. Sleep well, Terri Schiavo. For upon the set date, fifteen years of eternal slumber will seem like... umm... an eternity.

BILL CLINTON: Man, that sucked.

JUDGE WHITTEMORE: I know, I'm just hungry I guess.

BILL CLINTON: Oh, well, here, feast with me upon the heart of this small Cuban child!

BILL CLINTON plunges his face into the chest cavity of a small Cuban boy shackled to an American flag by the desk. JUDGE WHITTEMORE joins him as the boy screams. They then wipe their bloody mouths on the flag.

BILL CLINTON: Mmmmm... That's good Cuban boy.


And that's exactly how it happened. How do I know? Terri Schiavo told me.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:20 AM

Line of the night

Via MetaFilter:

Wow. If you ever asked me if it were even remotely possible that one day I would read a Freeper thread in which torture is condemned, a boycott of Florida is urged (I shit thee not!,) not feeding the hungry is deemed murder, MLK's 'Letter from a Birmingham Jail' is invoked, the tyranny of a judicial system with life-and-death power is decried, Federal Marshals are called upon to defend civil rights, and a Fox News legal analyst is labeled a 'Death-o-crat', I'd tell you "no fucking way," then demand a hit off of whatever you were smoking.
Heh. Indeed.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:12 AM

March 21, 2005

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:06 AM

March 20, 2005

"Your watching history happen"

That's actually something someone on Free Republic just said.

My friend Shiraz sent me a link to this Friday statement from George Felos, Michael Schiavo's lawyer:

What we experienced today in the subpoena issued by the United States House of Representatives is nothing short of thuggery. It was an attempt to intimidate and coerce the treating physicians in this case, the healthcare providers in this case and Mr. Schiavo. It was an attempt to intimidate and coerce them for carrying out the lawful court order, which they did. This unprecedented subpoena from the House required the healthcare providers and Mr. Schiavo to maintain artificial feeding of Mrs. Schiavo, as you all know.

It is absolutely shocking that, according to the House of Representatives, any committee member or subcommittee member can issue a subpoena directed to any American forcing them to have medical treatment against their will. Congress can't even -- Congress itself can't even pass a constitutional law to that effect, yet, a committee chairman can issue a subpoena, supposedly forcing medical treatment. It was odious, it was shocking, it was disgusting, and I think all Americans should be very alarmed about that.

Oliver is doing a good job covering the late-night Congressional session going on right now, and frankly he's doing an ever better job covering the general reaction from anyone in the country who isn't completely insane.

I'm sure this is an old line by now, but I don't think there's ever a case where it's more significant: hello there, Bush voters. This is your Republican Party. These are the people you voted in. These are the people who said would defend your freedom.

Admittedly, this is a one-liner I'll probably regret later: tonight has revealed why the right-wing leadership of the Republican Party is so involved in preventing the brain-dead from being put to rest. It has nothing to do with moral values- it's self-preservation.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:57 PM

The continuing carnival of lunacy

Oh, this one's a keeper:

On Sunday, a small group of supporters congregated outside the hospice, including some who had camped out for days. New protest signs were put up Sunday saying "Save Terri Schiavo From State-Sponsored Murder!" and "Free Terri, jail the rest."

Guabe Garcia Jones, an attorney from Washington, said he's been on a hunger strike since the tube was pulled Friday, only drinking water for the roughly two days he has spent in a tent outside the hospice.

"I'm not going to eat until she can eat � or I break down," said Jones, 26.

Schiavo, of course, is currently in her state because her body broke down after an eating disorder.


Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:40 AM