December 3, 2004

Rudy, always the smart one, delays reality a few years

Apparently the rumor is that Bush's first choice for the new Director of Homeland Security would be Rudy Giuliani, an offer Giuliani turned down.

Aside from the time and financial reasons (Rudy's going to have to work a lot less to earn a lot more at whatever private company he's starting with now) there's a much more prescient reason Giuliani was smart to turn down the offer, if it was actually offered: the slight case of moderates proving to commit political suicide by means of joining the Bush administration.

Does anyone remember the ancient, mythical days of, oh, about three freaking years ago when people talked about Colin Powell in terms of a future Presidential or Vice-Presidental candidate? Anyone thinking that now?

Tom Ridge- Pennsylvania governor, the guy who half the pundits expected in 2000 to be named as Bush's running mate. Now, without a chance in hell. Christine Todd Whitman, former governor of New Jersey. Remember her? Less than a few years ago, she was going to be the first female Vice-President.

Forget gender and race- the new tokens of the first Bush term were moderate Republicans, selected to tap the idea of "compassionate administration," willing to reach out and... well, you know how that went. Some were realized as unnecessary as soon as the post-9/11 wave of anti-Arab scaremongering took over the American political mood ("what? Terrorists might be invading Yellowstone? Well we should cut down as many trees as possible then so they can't hide! If we keep national parks up, the terrorists win!") and the rest were just drained and reduced to quivering shills for neocon policy, only to be told they can stay as long as they want, "as long as it's not too long."

Now, keeping in mind we're still on Planet Earth, this doesn't mean Giuliani still doesn't have a chance in hell of getting onto a presidential ticket. I'm no expert, but the whole thrice-married pro-choice cross-dressing adulterer thing might be, shall we say, an issue with right-wing "moral values" types. But credit where credit is due: at least Giuliani is smart enough to keep his imaginary world of political aspirations alive, instead of having his very life-force sucked out by playing beard to George W. Bush's illusion of fair governance.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:17 PM

Horses don't float!

HHS Secretary Thompson just resigned. As the 8th out of 15 to resign, this officially means over half of Bush's cabinet has now resigned since his re-election.

Boy, it's a really good thing everyone decided that changing horses in midstream would be terrible for the War on Terrorism, right?

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:14 PM

December 2, 2004

I like black people too, you whining, hypocritical bitch!

Ann Coulter has decided that, for the sake of argumentative advantage, she's suddenly a great supporter of Affirmative Action:

George Bush chose a black woman to be his top adviser on national security. Now he wants her as his secretary of state. And when she becomes the first black female secretary of state, Rice will replace the first black secretary of state -- both appointed by right-wing Republican George Bush. The entire Bush cabinet is starting to look like an Image Awards telecast minus the fisticuffs and gunplay.

Democrats are terrified that black people might start to notice.

I'm being sarcastic of course. Appointing Rice to be Secretary of State isn't Affirmative Action as much as the stereotype conservatives themselves give to Affirmative Action: the idea of appointing someone unqualified merely because of their race.

But was Rice appointed because of her race? Of course not, she was appointed because she was a near-romantic devotee to Bush and his policies, and a confirmed confidant and flackey. The argument isn't that she has great qualifications to be Secretary, it's what the actual qualifications that made her Secretary were... and the ones investigated aren't very good.

Now, granted, I'm a white guy. In fact, I might be the second-whitest human being on the planet, beaten only by, well, Ann Coulter. But in light of that previous reason I stated, I think I'm right in this theory: Ann, the reason black people might not be celebrating Rice's achievements is because they might not actually be proud of her.

Yes, she's a black woman. She's also a naive, incompetent stooge who clearly spewed falsehoods before a Senate panel and unambiguously erred in her duties numerous times. Her claim to fame is serving as the head of National Security during the greatest breach of national security in the history of the United States of America.

See, that's Ann's minor problem with her argument about those bad liberals wanting to hoard all the black to ourselves or whatever. In what might blow Coulter's mind, black people are, like white people, autonomous singular carbon-based life forms capable of independent thought. They already have begun to notice. And they've noticed that when a bunch of right-wing white people start telling black people who they're supposed to admire, there might be, shall we say, a hidden agenda of sorts.

But back to our dear friend Annie. Clearly, a black woman earning such a milestone of an achievement is worth praising without analysis. It's safe to say that Ann has always felt this way, and has held a long history of supporting the achievement of all black women, casting aside any idea of political partisanship for the sake of the advancement of minorites. By the way, here's Coulter's column about Halle Berre's Academy Award, titled "I Like Black People Too, Julia!":

It's interesting that Berry makes such a big deal about being black. She was raised by her white mother who was beaten and abandoned by her black father. Clearly, Berry has calculated that it is more advantageous for her acting career to identify with the man who abandoned her rather than the woman who raised her.

Demanding that everyone marvel at her accomplishment, Berry gushed: "This moment is so much bigger than me." Whenever people say something is not about them it's always just about them. This is a turn of phrase meant to remind the audience of the importance and beauty of them. Berry said her triumph was a victory "for every nameless, faceless woman of color who now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened."

Yes, at long last, the "glass ceiling" had been broken. Large-breasted, slightly cocoa women with idealized Caucasian features finally have a chance in Hollywood!

Hmm. I guess she only allows herself to praise one black woman per Presidential term. In Ann's little act of promoting her own vision of Affirmative Action, she apparently even included her own quotas.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:42 AM

We do five homophibic things before breakfast

I'm well aware of the homophobic desire to ban a church's ad, as well as the homophobic actions of a Republican congressman. Since everyone else got a head start on being outraged about it, kindly add my name to the list of people whose heads are exploding over the logic of all this.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 7:40 AM

December 1, 2004

Direct from the Department of No Freaking Sense Whatsoever

As of this writing, there is still no confirmation from Cartoon Network that they plan to renew The Venture Bros. for a second season, having completed its masterful 13-episode run almost a month ago.

However, as of this writing, Comedy Central has already announced they are ordering a full second season of Drawn Together, having aired four episodes.

Anyone and everyone who has actually watched both of these shows will join me in collectively wondering what the fuck is wrong with the state of American culture.

Oh, and they're giving Paris Hilton a third season too. I think I'm starting to hate freedom.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:40 PM

Just because I don't shop there doesn't mean you're not an asshole because you don't!

Based on yet another right-wing douche making a pointless dig at liberals by suggesting they never shop at Wal-Mart, I would really support anyone who wants to start what I'd call the "Wal-Mart Defense Accountability Project."

The concept would be simple: conservative and anti-liberal columnists and pundits would simply have to submit all their Wal-Mart receipts for online verification. Now, I know that might be hard, since, as we all know, people like Ann Coulter and the writing staff of the Weekly Standard do all their shopping at Wal-Mart. You can just picture it, can't you? Jonah Goldberg hopping in his Ford F-150 to drive over and get the huge savings on Pop-Tarts or whatever.

So we'd have a kind of ranking system. For every column a conservative writes about liberals being out of touch with "Middle America" via their non-participation in Wal-Mart patronage, they submit to the Wal-Mart Defense Accountability Project receipts for their purchases at their nearest Wal-Mart location since the last time they bitched about it.

The total amount of their expenditures at Wal-Mart would be factored against their annual salary as literary self-appointed representatives of Middle America's plight, which will then be calculated into a decimaled index number. This index ratio will be the official meter of exactly how much a complete fucking douche they are for pretending that they actually shop at fucking Wal-Mart instead of wherever rich, conservative, coast-bound urban-dwelling arrogant hypocrites like themselves buy their crap and write about how buying a car that wastes more gas than a hybrid makes you a batter American and, although not directly implied, clearly means you have a bigger penis than anyone who shops at Whole Foods.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:20 PM

November 30, 2004

Doing my best to avoid any girl-guy ratio jokes

This report about two Wells College students is kinda interesting: basically, the deal is that Wells is a historically all-womens' college and just this year decided to go co-ed and allow men to enroll. The two (female) students are suing to prevent the school from enrolling men on the grounds of false advertising. You'd have to read the entire article to get all the details; I suggest you do so.

I'm kind of mixed on the case here (or at least the case presented with the facts given in this article.) To start, the demands from the girls are absolutely ridiculous: they can't sue to prevent a school from doing something based on alleging they wouldn't. If anything, they can demand damages based on breach of contract, but there's no law mandating Wells be an all-female college, therefore there's no injunction to enforce preventing. In addition, Wells is a private university, and akin to the tragic Supreme Court ruling about the Boy Scouts, private universities can be as racist/sexist/bigoted in any way they like, providing they don't advocate hate and keep away from any and all of our tax dollars.

The only case the girls might have here is their allegation that recruiters lied and said the college wasn't planning on going co-ed when they actually were. But it would apparently be a verbal contract deal, because I sincerely doubt Wells actually has anything anywhere in their application forms that guarantee female students to not be within a hundred feet of a penis while enrolled at their school.

So, like I'm sure most others will attest, the lawsuit, and the idea of preventing a school from going co-ed, is asinine. Rest assured, however, that this likely won't stop half of the NRO bunch from going ballistic tomorrow about the alleged hypocrisy of women trying to get into the Citadel and now this. As if, you know, the two events had anything to do with one another, or if anyone actually favored this lawsuit, or if you had a friggin' clue what you were talking about, or... whatever. I'm probably the first to have written about this story, but I have a feeling by tomorrow afternoon it'll all be the liberals' fault.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:19 PM

I will now make a cheap and obvious retort

Vatican blames lack of moral values for AIDS crisis:

The Vatican on Tuesday blamed the spread of AIDS on an "immunodeficiency" of moral values among other factors and called for education, abstinence and greater access to drugs to fight the disease.

On the eve of World AIDS Day, the head of the Vatican's pontifical health council quoted Pope John Paul as calling AIDS a "pathology of the spirit" that must be combated with "correct sexual practice" and "education of sacred values".

"I highlight his thoughts regarding the immunodeficiency of moral and spiritual values," Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan added in a speech prepared for World AIDS Day on Wednesday.

Okay, list of things the Catholic Church really has no business acting as the authority on right now:

1. Correct sexual practices.
2. Moral and spiritual values.
3. The moral values of incorrect sexual practices.

This has been your cheap and obvious retort. Thank you. Oh, and stop raping children, please.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:26 PM

November 29, 2004

Santa Claus! FUCK YEAH!

Personally, I'd go for the This Modern World selection, but if you've somehow acquired a massive brain tumor you may be interested in the holly jolly uber-conservatives at Human Events and their selection of patriotic Christmas ornaments, including George W. Bush (with extra sparkle!- no, really, it says so on their site) and what appears to be the Team America version of Santa.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:44 PM

'Nuff said

I wanted to mention this exceptional comment that actually came to my attention before I left for Turkey Day. Better late than never.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:48 PM

Bloaty and stuff

Hello all, I'm back from Thanksgiving weekend and all that. It's a very interesting feeling to have spent an entire weekend gorging then returning home to find- I kid you not- a solid pound of fudge waiting in your mailbox as a Thanksgiving gift. DC locals may notice a large man rolling himself to work tomorrow morning, pausing only to ask passing motorists to lend him their jumper cables to defibrillate his heart.

I would like to pause and give a special homage to anyone else who, for any reason, had to drive down I-95 on Sunday, especially those who, like me, waited three straight hours in dead-stop traffic outside the Delaware Memorial Bridge. At one point I looked at the receipt for the gas I just purchased on the Turnpike, noted the time being two or so hours earlier, and then glanced at the tiny orange "4" on my trip odometer. That bad, folks.

The only good part of the trip- which, rather than the usual four, took instead eleven hours, for the love of god- was that I was actually driving back to DC instead of taking the train as I did the way up. Yes, following his nightmarish encounter last month with the truck driver who decapitated his side-view mirror and front bumper, henceforth referred to as that fucking asshole, Roland the Headless Saturn 4-Door has now joined me. This weekend I'll register him as a citizen of The Commonwealth, thus reducing his insurance rate by about (and I'm generalizing the slight difference between Virginia and New Jersey insurance rates) the gross national product of Luxembourg. Following that, I plan to stop referring to my car as a male in the third person formal.

As has been stated before, life is interesting for me right now, so blog posting is going to be sporadic and unscheduled.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 9:45 PM