December 6, 2003

As if no one would notice this

Angry Bear writes a hilarious rebuke to Bush's recent Pittsburg speech (given on the same day he screwed Pennsylvania over with the steel tariffs):

...[H]e went to great lengths to avoid referencing the steel industry. How great were the lengths?
"It's great to be back in Knowledge City, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania," Bush said at a $2,000-a-plate luncheon at Westin Convention Center Hotel.
Ah yes, I remember the many tragic defeats my once-beloved Houston Oilers suffered at the ignominious hands of the Pittsburgh Knowledgers.
I find it amazing that Bush's speechwriters didn't even consider the fact that there might actually be cameras recording a statement as hysterically evasive as that.

And for my addition, I think the last paragraph of the article has some interesting irony, considering the rescinding of the tariffs:

Bush said Saddam Hussein holdouts and other terrorists are trying desperately to keep Iraq in chaos.

"This collection of cold-blooded killers is trying to shake the will of the United States, Bush said. "America will never be intimidated by a bunch of thugs and assassins."

He sure wet his pants when threatened by the European Union, though, didn't he?

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:06 PM

December 5, 2003

w00t!!!!

Dumbrella (the coalition of Creatures in my Head, Goats, Diesel Sweeties, and others) have started up with one of those weblog things all the kids are into these days.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:57 PM

Oh come on.

Gosh, I'm really glad Republicans got rid of all the problems on the planet. That has to be the case, because it's the only they could possibly justify wasting so much time bitching about Ronald Reagan.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:40 PM

"In my... home.... toooooowwwwwwwnnnnn...."

Purveyors of Weapons of Mass Destruction found... to be from New Jersey.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:35 PM

December 4, 2003

A courtesy to my Southern readers

I took some flak for previous comments with well-toned themes such as "the entire goddamn South should be covered in gasoline and set afire and left to rebuild when the flames subside in a year or two" due to getting, shall we say, slightly frustrated with stories about aforementioned-South's dominance by religious lunatics.

Sadly, I can't offer any story about conditions improving, but as a courtesy to angered Southern readers I can at least now provide acknowledgement that the Northeast has religious idiots too.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 3:44 PM

Presidential Action Revisionist Comics!

There is no justifiable reason on earth for anyone to not love Ruben Bolling. (Salon link, Day Pass required)

Posted by August J. Pollak at 2:22 AM

For the people that need it printed right in front of them

Here's the transcript of Howard Dean on Hardball last Monday night. It's the episode where, according to multiple right-wingers, Dean constantly referred to Russia as "The Soviet Union" as if he didn't know it hasn't been called that for the last decade.

Let's take a look at this erroneous sign of Dean's ignorance, shall we?

And we�re not spending money on human intelligence and on cyber-intelligence and on cargo inspection and on buying the enriched uranium stocks of the former Soviet Union. If that stuff gets in terrorist hands, we have a major national security problem.
Gosh, he didn't say "Soviet Union" there, he said "former Soviet Union," which is, of course, both completely different and totally accurate.

There is, of course, the slight additional concept that having said "former" the first time, Dean instinctively, as one who has lived most of his life with the U.S.S.R. in place, and as one who referred to it in regards to the then-Communist-controlled region supplying nuclear weapons to Iran, may have assumed people wouldn't be confused with such an interpretation.

Or, we could all act as though we're freaking morons and pretend that the former governor of an American state honestly doesn't know that it's called Russia now, you pathetic, gasping right-wing idiots.

By the way, if you missed the show, read the transcript. Unless Wesley Clark makes an equally stunning performance like the one Dean gave on this show then I'm going to be as close as I've ever been to flat-out endorsing someone for President.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:42 AM

December 3, 2003

Yes. He really thinks we're all this stupid.

The President today signed the Healthy Forests Act. It removes restrictions on logging and cutting down forests. Why? Because trees are dangerous.

You know, it's not even that the logging is bad. It's the fact that the people running our country have so little respect for Americans that they keep insulting people's intelligence like this.

Tune in next week for the signing of the "Ice Cream and Hugs for Everyone Act," in which every American stands in line while the President and his closest advisors slap us individually in the face with their dicks.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 5:55 PM

December 2, 2003

Hiatus is Polynesian for lazy beyotch

Well, to be perfectly honest, this isn't really a delay in posting, since technically I wasn't supposed to make a comic last week during Thanksgiving. But I did, putting aside work on the soon-to-be-explained special project, which I am now bogged down with this week.

So, last week's strip was actually supposed to be this week, and you've just seen it in advance. Which means no strip this week, since I have way too much work to do that I should have done last week when I was on "vacation." We use quotes with that because one doesn't really take vacations when they're unemployed.

But I digress. Ultimately everything works out in the end, since very few of you came to the site last week and can enjoy last week's strip now. For everyone else, please accept this adorable picture of one of my cats in compensation.


Okay, back to work.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:29 PM

Right.

Bill Janklow to use the Twinkie Defense.

FLANDREAU, S.D. - U.S. Rep Bill Janklow suffered a diabetic reaction and didn't see a stop sign at an intersection, a defense lawyer said Monday as Janklow's trial on a manslaughter charge began.

But deputy Moody County prosecutor, Roger Ellyson, said the evidence will show Janklow knowingly sped when he went through a stop sign near Trent on Aug. 16, which put his car in the path of a motorcycle driven by Randy Scott, 55, of Hardwick, Minn.

"Randy Scott was killed that Saturday afternoon as the result of Bill Janklow blowing through that blind intersection at approximately 71 mph," Ellyson told jurors in opening statements. "All because of the reckless disregard. All because of that important person driving that important-looking Cadillac."

Janklow, 64, is charged with second-degree manslaughter, speeding, running a stop sign and reckless driving.

So, let's get this straight: a congressman with a record of violating traffic laws, in fact with violations at the very spot he killed someone with his car, clearly only did this because of a severe medical problem which hindered his ability to drive, however if acquitted will in no way affect his ability to hold political office.

I find it very interesting that the crowd screaming for the head of James Trafficant and declaring Gary Condit a murderer have few qualms about the fact that this guy has every intention to remain in Congress. What I don't get is how he somehow believes he'll stay in office. What's the campaign slogan if he's acquitted: "Bill Janklow. He only ACCIDENTALLY killed a constituent!"

Those on the Right who are attacking Janklow are mostly the Freeper crowd who are merely upset about the political ramifications of this. Forget that he killed someone, this might cost the GOP an election! After all, when a Democratic politician is connected to someone's death, it's cause to vilify them for the rest of their lives. With a Republican, you just give them their own show on MSNBC.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 1:34 PM

Say what?

I saw a clip of this quote on BBC News last night, then I found out on Mefi that it's because it won the "Foot in Mouth" Award. I don't know if it's really a case of foot-in-mouth, but I'll agree that this has to be one of the dumbest things ever said:

Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know.
-Donald Rumsfeld

Posted by August J. Pollak at 12:56 AM

December 1, 2003

Why take a picture when I've seen the lower half of you eight thousand times?

This is one for the New Yorkers, but maybe you'd understand if you lived near any major transportation terminal.

I went into New York today for the first time in a few weeks, and when I got off the bus at the Port Authority I noticed they changed all the billboards and ad signs. That might sound like nothing significant, but there's more.

The first ad I saw was this poster inside the loading deck for my bus (or I guess, in this case, de-loading deck, whatever) for Casio's new digital cameras. The poster consisted of this: a woman, her head cut off out of the frame, wearing a black spandex shirt and black leather pants, ass towards the viewer. In the back, or shall we say, ass pocket, was the digital camera.

So I turn around the stairs down to the main level of the Port and there's a stairway ad poster. It's the ass.

The loading decks are mostly plexiglass-walled, so when there's no busses in the way you can see down several loading decks. I suddenly discovered that every poster on every loading deck was this woman's ass.

Now, I'm not objecting on moral grounds. Frankly, it's a very nice ass. But believe it or not, there is such a thing as too much ass. Especially when it's just an ass, devoid of a name, or a face, or pretty much any of the rest of the body above the equally-tightly-clothed breasts. But now you can't look anywhere, because once you realize it looks like you're staring at a poster of an ass, you have to avoid looking like you're not, even though you aren't, you just look like you are.

Women, you are all very confused now, and for that I am sorry. But most men reading that last paragraph know exactly what I mean, and that's really all I can say.

So, anyway. Down to the main level. And there, and... there, and... everywhere... is the ass.

Wall posters: the ass. those giant ads they paint on the floor: the ass. You know how they have those cube things where three sides are ad posters and the empty space they put in the payphone? Three identical posters of the ass. I am saying this with no hyperbole whatsoever: Casio literally purchased every single square inch of ad space for their digital camera ads. And unlike when they do this on the subway and there's like four or five different ads in the same theme, it's just one single picture of one woman's ass.

I'm not sure what Casio's plan is for these digital cameras. Clearly, they've succeeded in their apparent plan to ensure than anyone entering any section of the Port Authority Bus Terminal sees the half of the camera that sticks out of the pocket of some woman's ass, but is that really effective ad-purchasing?

What would have really been nice would have been for Casio to just have the actual woman dress up in the tight clothing and knock on every door in the Tri-State area, where she could then turn around, bend over then say "buy this camera!" The airfare would probably cost less then whatever Casio paid to fill ten thousand poster frames. Plus, if that actually happened, I think you'd get a lot of people thinking "Jesus! I really need a camera right now!"

Posted by August J. Pollak at 10:38 PM

Emperors and their problems with their tailors

Round one: the CIA admits lying its ass off about Saddam's "imminent threat" of a nuclear attack:

The US Central Intelligence Agency has acknowledged it "lacked specific information" about alleged Iraqi weapons of mass destruction when it compiled an intelligence estimate last year that served to justify the US-led invasion of Iraq.

But it said that and other uncertainties surrounding the case had been fully presented to President George W. Bush and other US policymakers in the October 2002 National Intelligence Estimate, a document often referred to by members of the Bush administration as a basis of their claim that Iraq had an arsenal of weapons of mass destruction.

However, an explanation issued over the weekend by veteran CIA analyst Stuart Cohen, who was in charge of putting together the 2002 intelligence estimate and currently serves as vice chairman of the National Intelligence Council, made clear the case against Iraq, as presented by the CIA behind closed doors, was much less clear-cut and more nuanced.

"Any reader would have had to read only as far as the second paragraph of the Key Judgments to know that as we said: 'We lacked specific information on many key aspects of Iraq's WMD program,'" Cohen wrote in an article posted on the agency's Web site.

What makes this even more of a sad, sad story is that the United States wasn't the only nation that had its leader lied to by its own government.

That's right, you thought it was bad shifting U.S. mentality for war, get this: Saddam was falsely told Iraq had WMDs too.

Iraqi scientists never revived their long-dead nuclear bomb program, and in fact lied to Saddam Hussein about how much progress they were making before U.S.-led attacks shut the operation down for good in 1991, Iraqi physicists say.

Before that first Gulf War, the chief of the weapons program resorted to "blatant exaggeration" in telling Iraq's president how much bomb material was being produced, key scientist Imad Khadduri writes in a new book.

Other leading physicists, in Baghdad interviews, said the hope for an Iraqi atomic bomb was never realistic. "It was all like building sand castles," said Abdel Mehdi Talib, Baghdad University's dean of sciences.

Seven months after a U.S.-British invasion toppled Saddam's Baath Party government, Iraqi scientists have grown more vocal in countering Bush administration claims, used to justify the war, that Baghdad had "reconstituted" nuclear weapons development, and that it once was a mere six months from making a bomb.

At best, Khadduri writes, it would have taken Iraq several years to build a nuclear weapon if the 1991 war and subsequent U.N. inspections had not intervened.

So I guess that's the likely next step for Bush apologists in regards for lying Bush's way path to war: of course we thought there were WMDs, Iraq was pretending that there were! And who are we to counter such a deceptive military tactic? They're a couple of lying Iraqis, and we've got nothing but the most advanced covert intelligence-gathering organization in the world.

The U.S. lied about Iraq's threat and responded by invading. Iraq claimed it had no nukes and was, ironically, accused of lying... then invaded. There's a horrific sense of comedic error in these stories that have since left thousands dead from all over the world.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:26 AM

One power grab down...

The Colorado Supreme Court struck down the state GOP's redistricting plan.

The big one, of course, is Texas, which has a court date in mid-December.

Posted by August J. Pollak at 11:13 AM